higher heels and lipstick napkins

Even though I’m more tired and uncomfortable then I’ve ever been in my life, a part of me wants to hold onto these moments forever. Because even though it’s hard for me to sleep at night, every time you move or kick it makes my heart skip a beat. You’ve turned me from a calm, semi-collected, nonchalant teen into a neurotic, excited, anxious young woman. I guess that means I’m becoming a mother. I will always do my best to do right by you and teach you everything that is within my power to teach you. I will always protect you to the best of my ability and above all else, I promise to always love you with the kind of love only a mother has for her children. I love you my baby girl!

Tomorrow I’ll be 28 weeks pregnant. I’m so excited and nervous at the same time. So much uncertainty comes with pregnancy, I’m afraid I’ll do everything wrong even if at the time I feel it’s right. There’s two things I have no doubts about; one is that this baby is going to change my life forever, the other is that I know I’m going to love her more then anyone could ever know. I know these things because they’re already true.

In the 5+ years we’ve been friends, very close friends (despite our bouts) I’ve taken for granted all of the times where you’ve really wanted to talk to me because I just “didn’t feel like it” and now there’s so much that has gone on between us that we’re closer then ever and I find myself getting jealous when you don’t have time for me because you’re with other people. It makes me feel like a bad friend but we’ve been so close for so long it seems normal that I feel this way and I’m not the most “mushy” person at any given time so I don’t really know what to say to let you know that I appreciate our friendship and how much you are there for me and the advice that you give me.
I love you lots, you are one of two of my very closest friends in this world… the other being my mom and I never want you to think that I don’t appreciate you.

On November 14th, 2010 I started going out with the man of my dreams who I had been wanting to go out with for almost 9 years. He has made me feel so completely amazing for over 9 wonderful months. I can feel his love for me when he’s around me and it gives me butterflies like I am a kid again. There is no one in this world who could possibly make me feel this way. I never thought I could feel this kind of love so strongly and deeply for anyone or anything. I hope this lasts forever.

Two words. MUD. BOGGING.

Saw LIGHTS tonight at Utopia Fest 2011. And finally accomplished my goal of meeting her. She’s my biggest idol and I look up to her (figuratively, not literally. She’s very short). I am so happy I finally got to meet her, I love her. LIGHTS amazes me <3

So, I had a pregnancy scare. I was getting kind of excited about being a mom because I’ve had my girls name set for a while. Aryka Stephanie-Mae. The boy’s name, which my boyfriend and I thought of yesterday would be Sheldyn Phelix-Lee. ): Wish I was pregnant, as bad as that is.

10. A guy like my ex boyfriend will never keep a promise.

09. A guy like my ex boyfriend will never tell the truth or keep his shit straight.

08. Most guys only want one thing, that one thing being sex.

07. When they leave and you think all of that time was wasted sometimes you’re right, most times you’re wrong.

06. He hurt me, I hate him.

05. Some people never learn.

04. When you think someone is different, special, or “better then the rest” you should always think twice, make sure you aren’t wrong.

03. If you regret someone or something it is sometimes the worst thing you ever did, but usually the best and you just don’t see it that way at the time. No gray areas.

02. When a boy and a girl have romantic history, it is 100% impossible to have any kind of friendship after.

01. There is nothing to say that I am right about any of these truths, except for my first hand experience.

It’s sad what it takes for a family to come back together. This week it has taken a death in the family. Why can’t we just get along?

Took two pregnancy tests today. Both negative. Is it really so crazy that even though I’m only 17 I am upset? I feel like I’m completely losing sight of my goals all to be a mother and it’s ridiculous. I’m so confused. I see my friends some younger than me and some older all having kids and I feel sad because part of me wishes it was me having a kid right now but I know I’m too young ): kind of depressing.